Soundtrack to your romance

Among a certain crowd of people (that most certainly includes me) there is a saying that there is a Crazy Ex-Girlfriend song for every occasion. Over the four brilliant seasons of this ground-breaking, hilarious, heartfelt comedy-drama-musical, so many situations were set to music that it feels like you can always reach for one in a pinch.

  • Need to navigate through the weird push/pull of beauty-but-for-empowerment-girlfriend? Put Yourself First.
  • The psychiatrist is ready with your diagnosis? A Diagnosis!
  • Got some stuff to say about the horrible way Hollywood chews up child actors? I Want To Be A Child Star.
  • Kind of spending a little bit too much time cyber-stalking someone? Research Me Obsessively.
  • Must express the absolute badassity of your girl gang? Friendtopia.
  • Need to seduce your amoral boss/love interest into teaching you how to wreak terrible revenge on the ex who left you at the altar1? Strip Away My Conscience. (WARNING: This one's really not safe for work, as it features a very funny and also genuinely sexy Chicago-inspired striptease. So, you know. Judge your own risk and act accordingly.)

Also, just so you know, I removed like ten amazing songs from this list2, because this is supposed to be the introduction to my main point.

Which is! That I was working on promo for my new Olympus Inc. boxset covers, and was like, hm.... I bet these characters have some Crazy Ex-Girlfriend songs.

On sale now!

And so they do!

Surprisingly few of these songs of these have anything to do with romance. Hades and Persephone have songs, but they're about friends and family, respectively. Xena is reluctantly trying to embrace a new moment. Aphrodite would like to go to the zoo. Hera does indeed have the anger of a much taller woman, but I maintain she is fully justified. And Ask Cassandra is a complete wash - Cassie is too sensible, and Manny too sweet for the often unhinged CXG vibes.

The thing is that my characters tend to have a fairly healthy view of romance - they think of a romantic relationship as a very nice-to-have thing that will materially improve their lives, not the be-all-and-end-all that will finally make them a happy and complete person, all by itself3. They aren't necessarily good at romance - Hades falls for Persephone on first sight and promptly spills cold soup all over her, Manny is letting a devastating breakup in his past dictate his personal narrative in the present, and Hera marries (and divorces) Zeus.

Twice.

But on the whole, my characters, unlike the protagonist of CXG, do not believe that a Boy Band Made Up Of Four Joshes will fix all their problems.

But then.

Then.

There are my most slapstick heroes, my rivals-to-lovers idiots, my very-deliberately-modelled-on-classic-film-romcom sweethearts. Laodice and Telfer, of Love, Laodice are competing for the same promotion. They're both undercover reporters pretending to be an engaged couple at a pre-wedding luxury resort. And there's only. One. Bed.

Most importantly for our purposes, they're both a little unhinged about romance, in different directions.

Laodice is in love with love, and actively searching for her Mr Right. She has been planning her wedding since she was four.

Telfer genuinely thinks he can sleep with the woman he's been crushing on ever since he first met her, and it won't be a big deal. I cannot tell you how much his character is this song, MINUS THE FAT SHAMING, THANK YOU. (Laodice is objectively and unapologetically fat, and Telfer is objectively and unapologetically into it.)

Would Telfer sing a song about hating everything but Laodice? Was Laodice's first reaction to the new guy at work one of suspicion and distrust4, only to discover four years later that oh my god, she thinks she likes him (NSFW)? Were they both trapped in a car with someone they didn't want to be trapped in a car with?

Yes! Yes, to all of it! There's even a horny dancing scene where Laodice gets (justifiably) angry!

And, vital question, would they inappropriately make out in an elevator at work?

ONE THOUSAND PERCENT YES. The only reason that scene doesn't appear in the book is because I wrote The End before they could inevitably get there. You may safely imagine it has happened many times since5.

Anyway, 1) I guess my Crazy Ex-Girlfriend ship is Rebecca/Nathaniel even though the real ship is Rebecca/self-esteem, and 2) if you would like to read about a woman who's faking an engagement to a hot professional rival she can't stand, and said rival's dedication to pretending he's not crazy about her even though he literally finds it difficult to form words in her presence, and their adventures sharing one bed at a luxury hotel while murders ensue, you've got to read Love, Laodice.

The most economical way to do that right now is to buy the Heroic Women boxset, where you get four books for US $2.99, but that price is only sticking around for a couple more days, so get in fast.

Oh, wait! I just realised what Cassie's song is! (Sort of NSFW.)

Author Spotlight:

Part of my trying-to-do-marketing-better work is organising newsletter swaps, which is when authors promote each other's books in newsletters. (I do this all the time, but not with any kind of formalised process, because I am bad at marketing.)

It is a genuine pleasure to announce my first author spotlight is my friend Amy Blythe, who is a fellow teacher, a great person, and a writer of excellent, sexy prose.

Amy's Have Heart, Will Travel series is fantastic - lightly interconnected romances that hit the spot whether you're after a slow burn, or something that goes straight to the spicy parts. My favourite is What's Italian for Yummy, which is very hot. It stars a pastry chef who hates rugby and rugby culture, and her gorgeous neighbour, who keeps promising himself he'll tell her he plays pro for Rome any day now.

Blythe doesn't shy away from the bad stuff. (Male) rugby's culture of homophobia, misogyny, casual violence, and terrible walk-it-off-what-are-ya approach to injuries are all put on blast. But she doesn't ignore the good stuff either - camaraderie, friendship, dedication, and the pleasure of doing well at something you love. Summer and Finn eventually work their shit out, but this is a genuine conflict, and a true love story to go with it.

Do yourself a favour, and check her out!

What Kate's Reading:

  • How I managed to be an avid romance reader who'd never read Anne Stuart before I do not know. In fact, she's so fundamental to historical romance that I vaguely suspect I must have read something, sometime, and maybe just been not in the right frame of mind to appreciate it. However, I have now dived into the House of Rohan series and I may never come up for air. I do not approve of these dudes, who can all get in the bin, but the ladies are so great, and they clearly do want the dudes, and I want them to be happy so I cheer them on anyway.
  • My non-fiction audiobook of the moment is Facing Infinity by Jonas Enander, a very human look at the science and history of black holes, including some great post-colonial analysis of the term black hole, which is... certainly something. As always when Euclid is mentioned, my brain leapt to Edna St. Vincent Millay's sonnet, "Euclid alone has looked on Beauty bare."
  • I read Menewood again. I'll never stop reading Menewood. Nicola Griffiths is a a fucking genius.

That Healey Girl is the weeklyish newsletter of Kate (Karen) Healey, a romance and speculative fiction author who lives in Ōtautahi, New Zealand and shakes plots loose by wandering along the river.

1 We've all been there.

2 Okay, one more.

3 This, to be clear, is also the show's view on romance. Crucially, it is not the show's protagonist's view on romance for most of the series. The "Crazy" is not (merely) a really sexist term; Rebecca's view of romantic love is literally symptomatic. GOD I love this show.

4 Telfer really is suspiciously good looking in ways that normal people are not.

4 Ooh, Patreon bonus content idea...